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Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category

I am raising boys and I love it. They are my first and second purpose in this life. I realized this with a confidence and assuredness that was new to me the first time I felt my baby move. It was cathartic in that I instantly knew this was one of my main purposes in life. I was 26 and married and felt like I had done things ‘in the right order’. We owned a home, he was planned. (Both of my boys were. Far too few of us can say that. I wonder what that number is?)

Up until that point I had floundered with career choices, always searching and trying, yet feeling uncertain I would ever find what I was looking for. Then one day I felt it, the good swift kick I needed. My baby moved and it changed everything for me. My focus was now on this human being I was growing. I had purpose.

Fast forward 15 years and I am now the proud mother of two teenage boys. My youngest is 13. They are <wink,wink> charming. It is exhausting and overwhelming and frightening. It is fulfilling, rewarding and joyous. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the obvious that the former is much more frequent than the latter.

There have been so many phases and stages that we’ve been through together. Me and my boys. We three have always shared such a connectedness. My children didn’t go to daycare because I couldn’t part with them. I could not imagine allowing another person the honor of witnessing my children’s firsts – those were mine to have – and I had them. I am forever grateful for the images seared in my memory and for the love that has plumped out my heart.

Now they are teens and don’t want me as much. They don’t want to admit that they need me, so they push hard. I’m still learning what our boundaries are in this stage. It feels much different from the changes they grew through as smaller children. Today’s interactions seem to have more bearing, they feel like they weigh even more than the earlier ones. I keep my mind open to their opinions and show genuine respect (that I feel) for them while remaining the leader of this pack. It’s a very interesting dynamic when your children grow to have 6 or more inches on you and outweigh you by 45 pounds and yet, they’re still children. It’s humbling.

Being a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done and continue to do and will never be something I don’t do. It is integral to who I am, which is a better person for it all. The sleepless nights and the worry over everything from meningitis to aliens. I am a better person for having sacrificed my selfish self for my boys who need me to be fully present, possibly for the rest of my life. And for that I am very grateful.

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